Today I got up, dressed up all in order to show up as much as I could. I've been strong! I've been optimistic for the sake of my family! I've handed it over to the Lord as his plans are bigger than mine. I've tried time and time again to keep busy to make the days go by faster, but today just makes me angry at this entire situation. This isn't fair and I am finding myself having many negative feelings as my oldest daughter Ameliah turned 7 years old today and I had to be there through a phone.
How can this be? Why us or anybody at all? Why should any child have to have a birthday without both their parents present? Since Meli was able to piece words together she's begged for a sibling! We would go grocery shopping weekly and there would be a baby whining in a cart and she would say "that one mami, take baby home". Oliver and I wanted to figure things out and live a little more before having another child. Selfish? Perhaps! We also wanted to enjoy Meli as she shares being the oldest just like him and I. So again Why does Meli have to go through this when all she wants to do is have a sibling at home to play with, tease, annoy and just enjoy life with?! I will admit, I am beyond thankful that she is more mature for her age and that we have had 6 years to enjoy our time before all of this. If it weren't for those things along with many others, I am not quite sure how our family would be doing as a whole. But it doesn't make it right! In the first couple months of Miss Meli's life I found myself becoming addicted to Pinterest! I loved looking up "Mom Life tricks" along with marriage advice, yummy desserts to try and of course crazy craft ideas all in hopes to one day become the best mama ever in the eyes of no one but my sweet little girl Meli! One day I came across a blog post that went into detail of all the little things that parents should consider taking part in. Out of the long list, 2 of them stuck out to me! Never ever hurry your kids to grow up and to cherish all 18 birthdays that you "should" get to have with your kids. This is why I am angry. My sweet Meli has had to learn to be even more independent, self sufficient and simply grow up because her mom has to take care of her baby sister instead! I too have been robbed of 1 of those 18 and now only have 11 more! I understand that there are positives to this, but for right now I am upset and just angry! This isn't right!
The day has dragged on worse than any other bad day in my life! I've always been one to say you cry once about something and be done with it. Adapt and overcome. Except I think when it comes to your children that's a major exception. Or maybe my made up excuse, regardless I am pissed! Every year on our birthdays we talk about the best memories and reminisce...probably a little too much, but we love it! We make sure to talk about the big things we think will happen that next year and all that we will become. We give lots of hugs and make sure our love for each other grows a little stronger on that special day! We look back at pictures and make jokes to make each other laugh. Most importantly we never take special days for granted! & here we are today for some reason separated. More than 500 miles away is my rock, the man that's the glue to my life and the little girl that made my dream of being a mother come true! The lord knows how special birthdays are to me and my family, why just why would he allow this to happen? What am I supposed to learn from this test of faith as I feel so alone and heart broken on a special day? You may be thinking, why didn't she consider using FaceTime or utilize any other technology source to feel closer. We tried and again I guess the Lord had another plan! It was the worst feeling ever to just hear all the familiar voices and see the message on the screen "Poor Connection" and when the connection would finally come through the screen was all blurred out. I have often wondered how families got through these tough times 20-30 years ago without the technology we have today, but after today I am over FaceTiming and using technology as a source to feel connected to my family and friends back home! It is completely overrated and I will never again depend on it in order to feel closer to my loved ones!
There have been moments in the past couple months when the heartbreak sets in as I realize this is our life now, but I just wish I could know why? If I could know why, perhaps I could be at complete peace with it all regardless if I agree or not. I've not only had to accept that this will consume our lives forever more, but I have also had to accept that our closest friends and family have chosen to be non-existent. I don't feel like I can go to the people I would have a year ago as there has been little to no support from them. At the beginning of this journey I had a smart soul tell me that "everyone reacts differently, especially in these situations. It scares people and instead of being there as a friend they back off and wait for you to seek them out." Well for the record I will make it known I think that when you go through life changing events such as this, the last thing you want to do is ask for help or support. You just want your "friend or family member" to seek you out, console, guide and help you through it as they would with any other situation. I have and will continue to pray for their comfort and for them to know that we genuinely miss them as I too will forevermore be thankful for all the amazing, generous, and kind souls that have stepped up when everyone else stepped out.
Today Oliver and Meli were blessed with the presence of those amazing, generous, and kind souls! That alone makes me want to just bawl my eyes out. As I am thankful, yet confused. Quite frankly I am left thinking that the Lord knows who we need in our circle and he's just putting it all into place for us. I received photos that will forevermore mean so much to me. The fact that multiple moms were behind the camera seen the need to capture such special moments in my absence as well as simply be present to help celebrate my sweet girl! I could never say thank you enough to all of you!
Tomorrow brings a new day. New challenges to overcome. New perspectives to consider. New lab results to access and make a plan from. Tomorrow this tough day will behind us. I will continue to count down the days that I will see Oliver and Ameliah next and make the best of our time together!
I am okay, not the best I will ever be, but I am okay. I will continue to be strong, positive and motivating for our entire family, but most importantly our Little Livy as she deserves the world and more! I am so proud and thankful for the challenges that Livy has overcame thus far and have high hopes and strong faith that she will continue to BEAT HLH!
XOXOXO,
CeeCee
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